All of my stuff is in boxes since we just moved, and the only cable I find is USB 3.0, not 2.0.
SIDE QUEST: dig up a USB A-to-B cable.All I need to do is start a warranty claim on the new cartridges, get a case number, connect to the printer with a USB cable, and then get in touch with HP Support.
I google some more and learn that the printer’s region lock can be reset. Instead of buying cartridges outright, you pay monthly to use the printer you already own - $5.99 for 100 pages is apparently popular - and they ship you more ink when your printer tells them you’re running low. Instant Ink is a subscription service that HP really wants you to use. Then it suggests that I join HP’s Instant Ink program. The support chatbot tells me that I’m out of warranty, then suggests that I buy the ink cartridges I already have, which don’t work because the printer is region-locked. The website tells me I’m out of warranty - I know! - and directs me to a support chatbot. I register my printer’s model and serial number, date of purchase, etc. I make an account on the HP Support website. 
Cory Doctorow eventually retweets it, which is how you know you’ve made it in complaining-about-DRM Twitter.
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